We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize