i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
is wine microwaveable?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
