I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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