Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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