She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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