Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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