this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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