When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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