do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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