My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
