If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
