The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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