sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I could make wine with my vomit
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
