please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
