I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize