Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The uberlube is also flammable
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
