i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
