Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize