The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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