His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize