i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
