Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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