was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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