I wish my penis had an off switch
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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