remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize