Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
