is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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