I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
