the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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