i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
