I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
