walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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