I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
