i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
