i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
