Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
