They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
