The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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