I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
