I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
