tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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