you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize