Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize