Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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