you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
