margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
