Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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