Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
