Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
