he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I am full of burrito and curiosity
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
