The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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