I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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