it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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