Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
