mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize