i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Enjoy the penises
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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