I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
