I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
