My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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